Going to Shri Krishna Homestay and facing a sudden importance

So I meet this guy on the street and immediately start to make the contract with him; he was interested in me working at their place and I was in a need to move from Aravali guesthouse, where it was getting very hot and people screaming and all.

We managed to do it pretty quickly, I simply tell my boss that I quit and go with this guy. He says that their guesthouse is outside of town and so we walk there soon; no, wait! first I meet their boss and talk with him and get permit and he also says that it is ok and they need a guy to help their cook.

When we arrive to Shri Krishna Homestay it is truly beautiful. It is a small peaceful guesthouse next to a mountain, surrounded by some gardens alongside with empty sand fields and they even have their own small garden! It was like a miracle, one of the best places to stay at!

Deepak (the Nepali cook) was in the garden and watering the flowers with a garden hose; and we start to talk and he tells me about their place and what I need to do there. It was so beautiful, I could go barefoot (barefoot!!) in the garden on the grass and rest rest rest; grounding the heck out of the Pushkar energies.

I often lie down in the garden and sunbathe and drink lot of water. My other tasks would be to do some brushing in the morning on the stairs and of course to wash the dishes! I truly loved this new place and Deepak was one of the best companions, even though sometimes we argue when I got too lazy and he was trying to impress the boss a lot. For example, pretty soon, quite at the very beginning when I got there he was cutting the grass in the garden with small scissors. I told him it was a bit crazy but he told me that, no! boss likes it.

Things like this, it was very fun and kept life going.

However, now, when looking back to it, what I remember the most is a strong sense of not belonging in the end... I am about to approach the loneliest part of this journey (what happened after Pushkar) and I cannot truly express it without facing the pain again. Shri Krishna was fun to a certain point but then again... it was not the most... satisfying? deep down I was still missing everything. And as the restlessness was growing, I could no more just ? stay there..

I am about to describe the merry meetings and joyful actions that happened at that place, but something, a pain in the heart tells me that no, this is not the most important, Taavi, you were missing something.

But then again I do not dare to ...
What I have written before, the last posts, tests and all... to me it's not that hard to express.. but the depths of the heart and what's about to happen next.. I cannot get past it. Yet I did it. I have already done all of this and still I cannot go there again with my heart, yet I need to describe what is truly important to me.

I miss it all and who cares; ...
And yet it is still not the most ... of what happened; it is merely a ...
Maybe I am gaining courage but

It is so stupid. I have already done this and now I cannot even tell it. I remember the summer 2014 when coming back from India, my mother told me: "You're so sad and depressed. Why? What is it? Did something happen in India? Did anyone hurt you there?" But I never tell them anything. And I remain sad and cannot even cut the grass in my mother's garden because I was so tired.

And I still cannot tell anything.
It is very real but I can not tell you this...

ramble inbetween for inner clarifications:
///
Unless, I would somehow find a way.. The world is not the same.
Think about it.. distracted blockag on every level since the last 13k+ year something, nobody remembers anything or denies; all supposed to have not survived, the emotional facing a drastic collapse, and I am not telling about only a personal... What you call dimensions; time and space and fields were heavily distorted and there was no way this set of worlds would find their way. I have been walking on the edges ever since... light codes from Lui van B to dance in the dark; unite them, unite your past lives as fast as you can, Taavi, the 8th chakra is about to open... this is so stupid. We all need to make it; it was so freaking close.
///

And this is no..
And it turned out to be and go even more intense, she knows a bit about it, but neither of us see the whole meaning yet, this is what I believe, because the light codes were meant to dance in the dark.

//
You need to make it, the whole world needs to make it: survivally, sexually, emotionally.... AND you need to face the 11th:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
SHSHHSHS I don't know but the oversoul dances but it was so very real.
///
So let's go, where's the entrance, oh the entrance is on the 11th, that's the way to go to the 4th; but wait; nobody has 11th open, so what shall we do???
I bow down to the world and the heart knows the way but a child should NOT do this yet somehow it turned out that I was capable of this.
//
What I have told you so far, I feel it is not very much, it is pretty much absolutely nothing compared to the things that I am about to re-face and integrate within; but you are a very special beautiful life.. God knows but the part of the greater game is always also up to individual courage and willpower and dedication, He cannot do it if you don't want to; sometimes I feel that it was not ? worth but then again when I was doing it I was not "thinking about it" rather going into the heart and loving as hard as I could.
//
I have told you pretty much nothing... and the life goes on. Yet when a person holds a certain knowledge, he or she also needs to find a way to reveal it. Especially if it is important. I don't want to be stuck anywhere or in the past, yet the timelines need to be clarified and revealed and wtf, a nice bomb indeed but the child was faster and for every evil deed in the dark there's also a counterpart, a loving deed, being done unnoticably, with great creativity, caution and putting your being there fully, facing, what cannot be faced, yourself, but I could not be THAT, I could not do THAT but then there's even no time to think about it.

When coming back from India in 2014 I was like: I'm gonna take a rest for the next 7 months or something. But oh boy, it was just about to get started. And now I cannot even tell you the story what happened in India. But I will do my best attempting it and when these kind of emotional clarifying rambles show up, it is only a part of it and I need to also practice being truly, writing how I feel like.